I recently wrote a post on Instagram reflecting on my growth within the last year, which led me to this point right here. *Teenage Fantasy plays in the background by Jorja Smith* Its time to tell the story of my first heartbreak and how it took me losing my virginity to realize I didn’t want to be with him anymore.
When I first started this blog I was writing stories about people and their lives and it never occurred to me that I had many stories of my own that I didn’t even think of telling. This story in particular is a direct reflection of why I WILL NOT settle and why I’d rather people assume I’m a lesbian than bring any guy home to meet my family.
I met him at church when we were still in elementary school. I couldn’t tell you exactly what age because I’ve blocked out most of my memory of him, which is probably why I never thought to write this story. His name was all over my notebooks and I was talking about him to my closest friend at the time. He seemed shocked that I was even interested him, which made me shy. However, it led to us talking on the phone every other Friday or so. Those were the days when you had to call another line to speak to someone who lived in a city an hour away from you. My cousin and I had to do it all the time. That’s how we got to know each other better and of course msn.
We were always on and off. Every time we were on, I would tell someone different. First it was my friend from church, then it was my sister, then it was my cousin, then I started telling my friends from school because they never knew him, then it was people who didn’t know our history. I gave him a lot of power because he fit what I considered handsome at the time.
When we started dating it was a secret from anyone who didn’t know we talked. I wasn’t allowed to be in a relationship and I had a lot of family who went to church. It was best for the both of us to keep it quiet. He could cheat peacefully and I didn’t have to hear shit about dating the male slut of the church. It didn’t last long because we were young and a secret relationship with someone you couldn’t be seen with when you could see them didn’t make sense. Plus, at that time he started asking for sexual favours from me. That was during a time when giving fellatio was not accepted. My cousin snitched to my older male cousin and that led to our break up.
You would think that was the end of whatever was going on between us, but it was just the beginning. On my 14th birthday I got a call from two of my friends at 1am in the morning. I thought it was a HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALL, but it was more of a birthday slap in the face. He planned on ruining my birthday by telling me about his summer fling with my friend. She got worried about losing our friendship and confided in our mutual male friend who convinced her to tell me. Great birthday! When they broke down how it all happened I didn’t shed ONE tear. I acted like I wasn’t phased at all. I cried like a bitch to my best friend at the time. I forgave both my friends and moved on, but never really moved on until years later.
Fast forward to 6 months later after finding out, I was kind of forced to attend a masquerade ball my cousins were organizing at church. We saw each other and the cycle continued. We were probably on the phone for 15 hours the next day. I woke up to his call and went to sleep after hanging up. A month later after my church lost an INTENSE basketball game where most of our good players were ejected we started dating. Our relationship was public amongst the young folk.
The thing is he wasn’t all bad. During this time, I got to see the good sides of him. He showed me his vulnerability and eventually I used that to my advantage and played him because he hurt me. I did love him, but we were toxic for each other. He taught me about self pleasure, which led us to getting caught by his mother. If he cheated, then she definitely knows. I was a virgin and he was experienced. I told him he had to wait until I was 16, then it was until I’m ready. He didn’t pressure me, until later. I think he was cheating and as his feelings started developing more he didn’t want to cheat, but also couldn’t wait to have sex because he was constantly sexually aroused. That’s my theory!
He took my virginity. He fell deeper and I fell out.
The sex didn’t make me forgive him for all the shit he did. He probably thought I didn’t know about the girl who gave him head at a party, but I did. What my friend and him did to me still weighed heavy on me. Plus, my family didn’t like him and their opinion mattered a lot to me then.
I looked like a “bitch” because I broke up with him, but he broke me. I told him it wasn’t working and he said “Ashley, its your call, but if you break up with me we’re done. There’s no getting back together after this.” I guess he tried to show me that he loved me, but like I said we were toxic for each other. He sent me emails that started with “I love you’s” then it was “you will never forget me; I took your virginity.” After that, he showed up to places I would be. I’m pretty sure my friends told him where I’d be because he was trying to use them to get me back. Again, I never asked my friends and didn’t care to know. I never told them I was going to break up with him. I just did it.
Our relationship continued to be toxic (on and off) for another 8 years in secret. We always said we’d explore with other people, but eventually we’d date again. When he was ready I wasn’t and when I was ready he wasn’t, but I eventually cut ties with him because our friendship was no longer serving me. He also made it seem like his family was not a fan of me.
I’ve grown tremendously since then and reflecting on this era of my life made me realize that I NEVER want anyone to have that much power over me. I’m NOW living in my feminine power and will no longer accept intimacy from toxic energy, which I believed I learned many moons ago, but didn’t know how to express that. He taught me a lot about myself so I am forever grateful for our relationship/friendship. We developed a bond that unfortunately had to be severed due to a difference of lifestyle.
Although losing my virginity to him made me realize I didn’t want to be with him long term, I still held onto the thought of him always being there when I needed someone sexually. Its crazy cause our story started at such a young age, so you would think that a puppy love relationship would have ended when it did. Unfortunately, it didn’t, but I learned lessons that have helped me today. I know what I want and what I WILL not settle for from a man.
I think its very important for people to learn how to heal from toxic situations. I’ve been on my healing journey for the past year and I knew this post was one of many that had to be written. I want to express my deepest gratitude to ** for all that you’ve taught me. If you ever read this, thank you!